School daze: Do’s and don’ts for freshman parents

FLORENCE — As a mom, I have navigated the change from high school parent to college parent and lived to tell the tale.

As an employee at a college, I have navigated calls from concerned parents of freshmen and helped them get their students settled in. 

When my daughter entered college in 2020, the pandemic put a damper on her freshman year – classes via Zoom, masks on campus, two 10-day quarantines back at home, and few social events. It was stressful for both of us, and while she handled the year well, I had to learn ways to cope with my feelings – without annoying or alienating my daughter. 

Here is some of that insight as well as some practical tips for new “college freshman” parents, starting with move-in.

1. Dorm supplies you might have missed:
   • A fabric shower curtain to conceal the “closet” area
   • A step stool to reach the top shelf of the “closet”
   • Dish liquid to wash dishes in the dorm sink
   • Small trash cans for the bathroom and the living area
   • A broom or handheld vacuum
   • Bathroom cleaner, disinfecting wipes, sanitizing spray
   • A small fan to circulate the air and for white noise 
2. Know the difference in dining hall meal plans and separate plans that allow your student to purchase food at other eateries.
   
3. Make sure your student knows where to park. Parking spots on college campuses are at a premium and parking between the wrong lines can result in a pricey ticket.
   
4. If your student needs learning accommodations, reach out to the school’s disability support team as soon as possible so that everything is in place on the first day of classes.
   
5. Encourage them to visit their school’s health services. Make sure they have a health insurance card, a list of their medical history and a list of any medications they take. Taking a photo of the lists is helpful for when they inevitably lose the paper list.
6. Make them aware of their school’s student counseling and case management services. Let them know it is OK to reach out to these resources. They may need help, but they might not want to worry you.
7. Many college instructors use a software program to post syllabi, assignments, class discussions, and grades. Your student will need to be very familiar with that program. Additionally, all university communication will be to their school email address, so they should check it daily.
8. If your child has not signed a Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) release, university officials cannot give you any information regarding your student. If you want information regarding Student Conduct, Financial Accounts, Housing, Academic Affairs, Title IX, etc., your child must have a signed FERPA release on record.
9. Most professors enjoy getting to know their students. All of the instructors I worked with on an orientation panel said they welcome students’ questions. In fact, if they see that a student is invested in learning and participating, they may be more likely to offer that extra half-point at the end of the semester.
   
10. Be prepared to get less information out of your student than you’re used to – most kids want to see how much they can do on their own. The majority of them will call you if they truly need your help – or some money.
    
11. Do not try to fix everything for your student. If they’re going to fail, now is the time to let them. Offer guidance and support, but let them learn to fix things that need fixing.
    
12. Give your student more autonomy. Sure, keep your Life 360, but don’t track them 24-7. A Tuesday 10 p.m. Walmart or Cookout run is no cause for alarm. Set boundaries that include some independence. My daughter, Riley, said, “If you are worried about their safety, talk to them about where they’ll be, but don’t go crazy about it. If you do, your child will not trust you at all. The more trust you have in your child, the more your child will trust you back.” She also noted that she and her friends share their locations with each other, so someone knows where they are. 
13. Discuss your student’s schedule so you don’t interrupt them with a text during class or other campus activities. Riley said, “I would not recommend constantly texting because your child will be busy with class and being involved on campus. I tell my mom my schedule, so she has an idea of what is happening and where I’ll be.”

Yes, I was one of those “check their location every hour” parents. Eventually, I started thinking about why I did it and realized it was for my benefit – it made me feel better, but served no real purpose. It also made me feel like a spy; didn’t I trust her?

So, I told my daughter she only needed to let me know her location if it was at a party or if she was going out of town. I didn’t need to know when she was getting lunch or gas. 

Now, as she begins her junior year, I have stopped worriedly checking her location. And we both feel better. My stress level has dropped thanks to letting her grow and make her own decisions.

She says she feels strong and independent and knows I’ll be there when she needs me. 

“Overall this is a great time to put trust in your child and let them learn to be responsible,” Riley said. “Let them make mistakes and learn from them, let them learn to spread their wings, and let them learn what’s best for them.

“Continue to be their cheerleader as they make accomplishments in college. They still love you no matter what.”

Give your child permission to be independent. Let them exercise those decision-making skills, and let them know you’ll be there when they need you. You’ll both grow in unexpected ways.

And once you see your child happy and thriving, letting go a bit will get easier.